How
NOT To Make Pancakes
Who
doesn't like pancakes? ... Well my daughter Ruby. Actually she likes
them with just butter but no maple syrup, she's weird like that.
So
once again I was single parenting. Once again the kids were sick when
hubby was conveniently 'away working.' I'd spent the afternoon and
night on the couch racked with stomach cramps, interrupted only by
sprinting trips to the bathroom. ... Why is this book always about
poop? ....
Elias
was sick with stomach cramps too. Ruby, two days previous, had had it
easy; fast and furious vomiting. Eli and I weren't so lucky. ....
Finally got the kids to sleep at 9:30pm. Hungry but not hungry I
tried to get to sleep, but couldn't. So I downloaded free 'tetris' on
my phone and played for 45 minutes, until I was interrupted by Eli,
'Need to sleep in Muma's bed.' .... And then a few minutes later,
Ruby joined us, along with the dog, and then a cat. I was already
unbearably hot and uncomfortable, but what's four more bodies when ya
really just don't want to be touched?
Long
night, continually disrupted by requests for glasses of water, or
covers or snuggles.
Eli
woke up early and watched show on my phone, but quickly fell back
asleep. Ruby and I got up at 8:30 am. Practically unheard of, the day
felt half over. But the stomach cramps remained so we took it
easy....until trapped in the bathroom with no tissue paper I called
for Ruby to rescue me by grabbing some tissue from the downstairs
bathroom... and she wouldn't. So, I did what any mother would
naturally do; started yelling that I would 'come out there and wipe
my bum on you, if you don't help me NOW!'
A
screaming match ensued and Elias was woken up. Still sweating and
angry from Ruby and I's altercation I turned off the tv as
punishment. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.
Elias
was fevered and sniveling about pancakes, Ruby was jumping up and
down wanting the tv put back on.
“I'll
behave! I'll behave now!' She wailed.
“Mammaaaaaa!
Mama! Puleez can I have pancakes?' he cried, holding onto an empty
plate.
“Mum!
Mum! MUM! I MISS daddy!” Ruby cried, attempting to change her
tactics to gain sympathy.
“I
WANT PANCAKES NOW!” Elias, shouted over top of his sister's cries
to be heard.
The
dog cowered in the corner. I always wonder what the neighbour's must
think?
And
on, and on it went. While I tried with my foggy brain and cramping
stomach to start making pancakes...
Got
most of the ingredients correct, except for twice the necessary sugar
– oops? And three times the needed baking powder – shit.
Whatever,
stir it up, have kids fighting over stirring while I make sure that I
haven't forgotten anything. Tummy still cramping, brain still foggy,
kids still at 100 MILLION decibels...
Manage
to pour two pancakes into the hot pan; they meld together making one
big one. -Shit.
Fight
ensues over the one glass of water left on the table from last night
and who gets to drink out of it first. Get another glass, but it
isn't the same as the existing glass so no one wants to drink out of
it.
Pancakes,
super bubbly, baking powder foams and then deflates... Great, rock
hard, overly sweetened pancakes – yum!
Both
children still sniveling, crying and generally causing a
hullabaloo.... I slather butter on the pancakes, syrup only on one
and serve.... Elias devours his, Ruby says it's 'too squishy' and
wont eat.
I
pour the rest of the batter into the pan and realize I've just made a
GIGANTIC burning mess, that I can't flip, can't salvage and can't
eat. - Perfect.
Everybody
still crying, sniveling, whining, and yelling I turn on the tv I had
already said they'd lost privileges too. -Fuck it.
A
fight over which show to watch and who's turn it is to 'pick' ensues.
... I ingore it, and the mess of the pancakes and start writing.
Good
morning! Have a fantastic fucking day!
Buy
my book when it comes out!
xo